I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
