It's like God shit irony all over that family
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
