I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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