I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
