hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
