New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
