this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
