what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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