I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
