He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
