maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
