this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
