Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
