ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
