Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We're too hungover to prance.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
