I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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