so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
