she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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