Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
