I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
