We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
