I didn't shave. On purpose
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
