did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
