Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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