so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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