couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
