just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize