Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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