i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
