he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
