My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
