I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
