Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
