she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
