Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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