I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
