Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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