I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
