I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
