saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
