Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
