somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
