I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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