dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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