things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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