It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize