Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His hands were made for my vagina.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
