he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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