Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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