It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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