Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
