You smell like a Billy Joel song
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
