It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i need some magic done to my vagina
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
