Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
