They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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