One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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