i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
