put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
