I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
