omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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