ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
