shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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