omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A bitchslap is in order.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
