Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
