i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
