Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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