The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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