Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
