If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
