Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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